Beyond the Carrot

I like to learn.  No,  I love learning new things.  Your comments on my recent praise post taught me a lot.  You gave me feedback on some of your experiences with praise; you told me where they thought I was off base.  You asked questions, and made suggestions.

That is acknowledgment. It doesn’t matter if we have agreement; when you describe what you see and what you feel, it tells me much more than praise or criticism.  It encourages me to continue to think.

Looking at Alternatives to Praise

What I also said in that post was that I would explore some alternatives.  When I told Holly (irlfriend, partner-in-crime, significant other, I never know what term to use)  about the post, she said sometimes when people are growing up, their lives are peppered with criticism or, worse, vacant of feedback that any praise is welcome.

I grew up in a neighborhood in North Minneapolis where, by the time you were 18, you had to have a criminal record to get a date.  I don’t think there was a whole lot of communication of any kind going on back then.  So, I concede that point.  If communication and feedback are limited, positive may be better than negative. But, I digress.

Drew Skwarcan described his experience.  He knew, as a competitive kid, when he did well and when he didn’t. He would get positive feedback either way.  If I understand his comment, when he did well he didn’t need praise, and when he did poorly, praise was (my word) insulting.  He also said …

“The key is being able to distinguish between deserved praise and undeserved praise.”

Maybe si, maybe no.

IThe key to self-directed personal improvement is on the money acknowledgment of what happened — “I noticed in the third inning there you seemed a little distracted and looked tired. How was that for you?”

And encouragement toward improving at his game –  What do you think you could do to stay sharp?

I do a lot of values work with clients, and when I ask them what comes to mind when they hear the word “values.”  Their answers commonly include some mention of morals and what we get from our parents. Has anyone out there ever lived their life based on what their parents wanted?  As time has moved forward, has it turned out to be what you wanted?  If so, fine.  If not, what does that mean?

I am reminded of the old Austin Powers nemesis, Dr. Evil and his protege Mini-Me.  I don’t think that is what parents or managers want.  It is often what praise sets up.

This then, when taken to the ultimate, is the choice.  In our relations with people, what do we want for them, not from them?  Praise and it’s counterpart, blame, encourage people to be sycophants or enemies, and it is hard to predict which end result will come from which counterpart.  Or, on the other hand, acknowledgment and encouragement – without evaluation – help  children and adults to become self-determined, self-reliant, mentally fit, and focused on intrinsic values.

Acknowledgment and encouragement move people to be the best “them” they can be.

• Praise conditions us to look OUTSIDE for approval.
• Encouragment supports us in looking inside for what is important to us.

• Praise focuses on the end result — Wow, good job.
• Encouragement focuses on the process ongoing – You really seem to enjoy painting.  What do you enjoy about it?

• You may praise someone for doing something you like or you think is important.
• When you acknowledge, you are looking at what is important to them.

“If I’m only happy when universally, uniformly, entirely praised — if I’m not happy when there’s any disagreement, or a single frowning face, or a random slur coming my way — it seems I won’t be happy very often.” Sharon Salzberg

Our brains can easily be trained to seek outside influences to create good feelings.  Those external rewards can be as addictive as anything else that helps us feel good.  They can also get in the way of being ourselves.

Coach training has taught me that it is a given that people are creative, resourceful, and whole.  When time is taken by a parent, a manager, or a friend to describe the acknowledge the greatness in a person, if affords them the opportunity to grow and become who they wish to be.

So, how do you acknowledge?  The bad news is that acknowledgment and encouragement are work.

There are three basic parts, but it is not a formula.  Ingenuous encouragement will be spotted in a minute.  I know, I’ve done it, and my covers were pulled every time.

First, of course, be aware of when you feel like giving someone a compliment or  positive feedback.

Then consider what it would mean to acknowledge –

1.What do you see?

A description is behavioral observation, describing without evaluation whatever would be picked up by a video or audio recorder. Big hint: They are judgment neutral.

“I see you guys make licorice in here.  I was drawn in by all the varieties and sizes.”

2. Explore the feelings involved.

“You look like you really have a good time making this stuff – AND I love licorice.”

3. And then ask questions.

“How long have you guys been doing this?  Tell me about your business.  I’d like to tell my readers.  I do love licorice.”

A couple of examples:

Praise: You really did a great job. Good going.
Acknowledgment: You got that report to me right on time.  I really appreciate that.  How did it go for you?

Praise: You’re such a good boy to clean up your room.
Acknowledgment: I noticed that you picked up your room and made your bed.  I really appreciate it.  Thanks.

Will you still praise people?  Probably.  Will I do the same?  I’d love to say not, but it would be a lie.  I just keep trying to catch myself.

So, your turn.  What have I missed?  Where am I off track?

Mike