Kissin’ Cousins – Praise and Blame

First a question for all -

Does singing praises help a flower become what it becomes?

Or maybe water, nurturing, enriching soil, and sunshine?

When I wrote my previous pose, Chris Brogan, Please Don’t Praise This Post, I hadn’t considered that I was “admonishing” Chris’ post, In Praise of Praise.

I can’t say that I wait for his posts with baited breath, but I do read Chris Brogan’s blog daily for his insights and ideas that may help me improve.  Example:  A while back, Chris had a post that “encouraged” me and “challenged” me to come up with three words to describe my aspirations for 2009.  I appreciated that because is helped me to focus my efforts.  I don’t know if it was a good post or a bad post;  I know that I drew something from it that inspired me.

Others may argue differently, but I do not see the above as praise, but as and appreciative statement.

Kissin’ Cousins – Praise and Blame

James Wood, who writes The Sky’s the Limit seems to think I was admonishing.

“Kirkeberg’s post bothers me with its insistence that it is wrong to make a judgement (which is a judgement in itself).

Praise, social rewards, positive feedback are JUDGMENTS.  No way around it.  Instead of “this works well, that doesn’t”  the world’s dichotomy becomes “good behavior and bad behavior.” (This part is mine)

His argument goes something like this: Praise is wrong (a judgement) on two fronts. 1. If you praise someone, you must want something in return (a judgement). 2. Praise teaches others to expect rewards for their actions (a judgement) and pressures them to perform in order to receive rewards (a judgement).” The Sky’s the Limit

I don’t think I said that praise is wrong.  I may have missed it (in rereading) if I did say that, but I believe I did say that praise is problematic and troublesome.

When we praise someone, I don’t necessarily think we want something in return.  We can set up some unintended consequences, though. I come from a point of view of self-determination and autonomy to the degree a person can achieve.

As a coach, if I have a preconceived notion of what is good for a client, I begin to lean into a stance that discourages autonomy. On the other hand, when that same client accomplishes something of his or her own choosing, I acknowledge the hell out of it.

Praise, as you write, is often not a praise but a trade-off or a judgement. Yet in non-violent communication, there’s actually a way to avoid this and come to sincere praise. Generally a compliment consists of three basic elements: 1. you describe what the other person has done, 2. you describe how you feel, 3. describe the need that was fulfilled. For example: I could just say you’ve written a great post, but that’s not really a valuable compliment, is it?

What if, instead I tell you that I like it that you’ve came up with several real life stories about praise and how they offer different angles on praise and that that makes me happy and curious. — Hannes

Although I wouldn’t use “compliment” (could be verging on where we say, “that’s just semantics” here), but a good use of appreciative communication.  Hannes also uses a phrase that seems to fit well here, he entices with the idea that praise can become “currency for transaction” like leaving a verbal tip.

Sheryl Breuker commented ..

What if, as children from infancy on, we were never given praise, either for physical accomplishments as we do when a child learns to sit up, learns to walk, produces sound, but rather was greeted with indifference?

When a child learns to sit up, to walk, or produce sound they are encouraged by the looks on the parents face, the smile, the hug, all of that stuff.  I don’t see the choice as being between praise or indifference.  The dichotomy is between praise and the other side of that coin, blame. The choice that will help another human become his or her own best person is to move from praise to acknowledgment, encouragement and to assume that each indivicualt is creative, resourceful, and whole from the start.

When Chris Brogan, in his post, says that he loves licorice, he is appreciating rather than praising. When he says that he is going to tell everyone, that’s promotion of a product he enjoys, and one of the reasons I read his blog.

Just the way I see it.

Mike

Photo via Thai Jasmine