EI – Five Pillars of Success

photo credit: vgm8383

What the Heck is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence has been a buzz word for the past ten or so years.  I’m not sure who coined the term, but Daniel Goleman certainly popularized it.  Since then, definitions of EI have spread like dendrites in a growing brain. My trouble is that they usually focus on controlling emotions, some even hint at controlling the emotions of others.

I thought I would attempt at taking a look at the idea from a contextual point of view.  It is certainly open to criticism.

1. Self-awareness – Awareness of yourself as the context for thoughts and feelings rather than yourself as the content of your thoughts and feelings.

It offers the ability to take a step back from the changing terrain of thoughts, images, sensations, and feelings to respond to them as infomration rather than react to them as a threat.

2. Experiencing and accepting emotions – Experiencing thoughts and feelings (fears and anxieties, anger, and sadness) as they show up and and not seeking to gain them or get rid of them.

There is an unwritten and unspoken rule about the private events that we all experience – “The more we do not want them, the more they have us.”

3. Motivation - Living a life of your own design, in your chosen direction, despite the hills and valleys life is sure to bring.

Spike Lee’s movie told us “Do the Right Thing.”  Stephen Covey taught us “Begin with the end in mind.” The challenge is then to know what to do, what not to do, and when.  That task falls under the rubric of living a valued life.  Values are like light houses. They have a dual role in life.  They guide us in stormy seas and let us know when we are on the right path.

Sometimes you have to go on when you don’t feel like it, and sometimes you’re doing good work when it feels like all you’re managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position. Stephen King

4. Empathy – Being able to see life from multiple perspectives.

When I have a group of clients together, sometimes I will ask them to raise their hands if they think they are reasonable people. Most hands reach for the sky.  Second question – How many of you have to deal with people who are unreasonable?  Most of those same hands go up. Asking that questions of a group of guys referred by the criminal justice system, or a group of employees in “corporate America,” the results are, if not the same, at least similar.  Empathy, when practiced, allows us to overcome the tendency to judge others by their behavior, while only holding ourselves accountable for our intentions.

5. Relating -  Celebrating the valued life others are living, knowing that they are also creating their own path and appreciating the differences others bring to the dance.

Just like our values our ours and ours alone, the values of others belong to them.  As some folks might say, that’s what makes horse racin’. While we can choose not to participate in the lives of those whose values we won’t abide, we also don’t have to try to decide what the values of others are.  Works out pretty good that way, doesn’t it?

Why is the whole concept of EI so important?  In general, emotional intelligence is the hallmark of success.  This is not just monetary success, but also success in a person’s satisfaction with life.

My take is that this puts it high up in desired human qualities.