What Do You Want? Why Do You Want It?
I want to tell you why the answer to how is why, and to begin I’ll tell you a story about a friend.
My friend Freddy is a collector. If it’s old, he may have one of it. If it’s related to American Indian history, he may have several of them. I don’t mean that he has a room full of stuff. He has rooms and barns full of stuff. It’s all pretty well organized, and some of it is truly beautiful. He, like all of us, is aging. His wife Rae, who doesn’t share his attraction to old things, is really troubled by what she considers “old junk.” She worries about what to do if something happens to him. It is an ongoing topic of discussion. (Names have been changed.)
What does that have to do with change? Well, admittedly, the connection is indirect.
My friend and his wife recently came up our way to have dinner with My Sweetheart and me. Conversation turned to this subject during dinner.
He talked about his collection and she talked about how much she disliked his collection. “I have never liked old stuff. I don’t like the way it looks. I don’t like the way it smells. It just turns me off.” I’m paraphrasing here.
So That?
The subject turned to why Freddie wanted to continue collecting these antiques. “Why?” is often not the best question to ask about a subject. It begins to push people to excavate deep seated answers that may have nothing to do with what’s happening now. Asked in the right way, it may help.
“Okay, so you want to keep this stuff so that …. what?” I asked.
“So that I have it.”
Me again, “Humor me, you want to have it so that what?”
“I don’t know. First, I like all of my pieces. They remind me of another time.”
“You’re getting there. There is still a so that in there somewhere.”
“Okay, so that I can preserve history. I don’t want these things to just go by the wayside.”
That was Freddie’s so that. If he were going to change, and I don’t think he wants to, there would have to be a more powerful “so that” to motivate him to do it. And it would have to be his – not someone else’s. Just like powerful purposes keep us spinning our wheels doing what we don’t want to do, it takes a compelling purpose to move us forward.
Often we want to change something in our lives. It may be to lose weight. It may be, as I mentioned before, to start an exercise program. If we don’t have a compelling “why” chances are the effort will be short lived.
You Have to Love to Run
Monty: Why did you say that I was a loser?
Joe Pesci as Simon Wilder: “The winner isn’t the one who crosses the finish line first. Winners forget they’re in a race, they just love to run. You try too hard.” ~ With Honors (1994)
Example: Many people both get an exercise program and healthy eating going. They may be successful and when they get to that point something shows up. It may be something like, “Oh, so this is it. Well, this isn’t such a big deal. I don’t feel any more satisfied in life than I did before.” And they go back to the devil they knew.
So the answer to how to change is why a person would want to do it. The benefit of change can be held out in front of a person like the proverbial carrot on the stick. It will work to a point. Unless that person really likes carrots, motivation will wain.
The only TRUE motivation is the kind that makes you more of who you really are. Anything else is just a paycheck.
What is your “so that?”
photo credit: h.koppdelaney
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