Chris Brogan, Please Don’t Praise this Post

Or Blame it Either — The Trouble with Praise

Chris Brogan, ChrisBrogan.com, in a recent post sang the glories of praise – In Praise of Praise.  He says …

Praise is powerful.

Giving someone something doesn’t elicit praise. Praise comes from an experience that causes positive emotions, and that’s a tricky thing that matters. It’s hard to do the right things to elicit praise, but then again, that’s the deal. You can’t seek praise. You can only tend the farm and make the best damned tomatoes you can make.

Chris isn’t to be blamed, either. Praise is ubiquitous. Your do it. I do it.  The birds and bees do not do it.

What do the fans and promoters of praise say about it?

Catch them doing something right and praise them. — One Minute Manager

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. — Oprah Winfrey

So, what’s the big deal about praise?  Why is it a problem?

“The study, published in the April 24 issue of Neuron, is consistent with a long-held social psychological theory that people do nice things to others to gain a good reputation or social approval just like they work for salary. It may provide a pivotal step toward a neural explanation for people’s everyday social behaviors.” — MedicineNet.com

A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success. — Anonymous

Quick story.  This was a long time ago;  I was in a restaurant, fast food I believe, and they had some kids bringing out food.  They may have been developmentally disabled.  One of them did something – I don’t recall exactly what it was – that I really appreciated.  So, I said something like, “Good job, kid.”

And I meant it.

A friend I was with said, “You know, that is sort of condescending.”  I didn’t see it that way at the time.  It stuck with me though.  I began to notice clients that would sometimes compliment a class I was teaching –

“Good job, man.  Great class.”

Sometimes they meant it, sometimes they wanted something.  It felt more like a transaction than a compliment.

Chris’ post got me thinking again.  Gets me in trouble all the time.  I’ve had this book around here forever by the writer Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards.  I always wanted to take a look at it; this was a perfect opportunity.

Lowered Confidence

Praise can be made up of verbal or social rewards, or in positive feedback.  Contrary to public opinion, praise can actually lower confidence.  Think of a kid doing something simple, and you tell them they’re doing a good job.  The offered verbal reward can actually lower confidence, even though we may think we are helping them.  The brain’s logic is that if someone tells me something simple should be rewarded, I must not be very smart.

Mind Pressure

Praise, as positive feedback, increases pressure to succeed, to live up to the compliment in order to receive future compliments.  It sets up a false presumptions (and pressures) about future success.  I’ve spoken to artists and authors who say that compliments send them into brain lock.  Ever noticed how when an artist gets a compliment, they brush it off – “Nothing special.”

Wow. how Zen is that!

I can see that.  If I am not worried about whether I am going to succeed or not, I am much more inspired to give “it” a shot, whatever it is.  Ever sat in front of a blank screen on your computer to write and get brainlock.

Skinner’s Box

Praise can also put us in Skinner’s box.
Praise and rewards give us the message that there are certain ways that are good, and by default, others that are not-so-good.  Could it be possible then to seek rewards rather than the joy of being ourselves?

If I am rewarded for something that I really wouldn’t want to do normally, the set up is for self-doubt, self-recrimination (Am I really doing the right thing?) and living by societal values instead of my own.

Praise, social rewards, positive feedback are JUDGMENTS.  No way around it.  Instead of “this works well, that doesn’t”  the world’s dichotomy becomes “good behavior and bad behavior.”

Sometimes people even react poorly to positive reinforcement. Why?  Alfie Kohn again –

“[The key factor] in a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment.”

So, what is the end result of the praise factor?

“The concept of “social proof” (or informational social influence, if you’re a sadist for typing) tells us that, often subconsciously, individuals will look to the other people around them in ambiguous social situations to determine the appropriate way to behave. It’s a result of the subconscious mind assuming that those around us are better informed on what is acceptable and appropriate.” Joel Falconer, Stepcase Lifehack

A film director, I can’t remember who other than that he was one considered an auteur, said that in order to succeed you had to be able to trust your own judgment in order to succeed.  It is easy, especially at a impressionable time of life (at any age) to become dependent on praise to guide decisions.

Rudyard Kipling said it better than I ever could -

“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.”

My kids said it even better.  I wish I had listened more -

“You’re not the boss of me.”

So, what do you do if praise doesn’t work?

Tomorrow.

Mike

Love to hear what you think.