Or Blame it Either — The Trouble with Praise
Chris Brogan, ChrisBrogan.com, in a recent post sang the glories of praise – In Praise of Praise. He says …
Praise is powerful.
Giving someone something doesn’t elicit praise. Praise comes from an experience that causes positive emotions, and that’s a tricky thing that matters. It’s hard to do the right things to elicit praise, but then again, that’s the deal. You can’t seek praise. You can only tend the farm and make the best damned tomatoes you can make.
Chris isn’t to be blamed, either. Praise is ubiquitous. Your do it. I do it. The birds and bees do not do it.
What do the fans and promoters of praise say about it?
Catch them doing something right and praise them. — One Minute Manager
The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. — Oprah Winfrey
So, what’s the big deal about praise? Why is it a problem?
“The study, published in the April 24 issue of Neuron, is consistent with a long-held social psychological theory that people do nice things to others to gain a good reputation or social approval just like they work for salary. It may provide a pivotal step toward a neural explanation for people’s everyday social behaviors.” — MedicineNet.com
A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success. — Anonymous
Quick story. This was a long time ago; I was in a restaurant, fast food I believe, and they had some kids bringing out food. They may have been developmentally disabled. One of them did something – I don’t recall exactly what it was – that I really appreciated. So, I said something like, “Good job, kid.”
And I meant it.
A friend I was with said, “You know, that is sort of condescending.” I didn’t see it that way at the time. It stuck with me though. I began to notice clients that would sometimes compliment a class I was teaching –
“Good job, man. Great class.”
Sometimes they meant it, sometimes they wanted something. It felt more like a transaction than a compliment.
Chris’ post got me thinking again. Gets me in trouble all the time. I’ve had this book around here forever by the writer Alfie Kohn, Punished by Rewards. I always wanted to take a look at it; this was a perfect opportunity.
Lowered Confidence
Praise can be made up of verbal or social rewards, or in positive feedback. Contrary to public opinion, praise can actually lower confidence. Think of a kid doing something simple, and you tell them they’re doing a good job. The offered verbal reward can actually lower confidence, even though we may think we are helping them. The brain’s logic is that if someone tells me something simple should be rewarded, I must not be very smart.
Mind Pressure
Praise, as positive feedback, increases pressure to succeed, to live up to the compliment in order to receive future compliments. It sets up a false presumptions (and pressures) about future success. I’ve spoken to artists and authors who say that compliments send them into brain lock. Ever noticed how when an artist gets a compliment, they brush it off – “Nothing special.”
Wow. how Zen is that!
I can see that. If I am not worried about whether I am going to succeed or not, I am much more inspired to give “it” a shot, whatever it is. Ever sat in front of a blank screen on your computer to write and get brainlock.
Skinner’s Box
Praise can also put us in Skinner’s box.
Praise and rewards give us the message that there are certain ways that are good, and by default, others that are not-so-good. Could it be possible then to seek rewards rather than the joy of being ourselves?
If I am rewarded for something that I really wouldn’t want to do normally, the set up is for self-doubt, self-recrimination (Am I really doing the right thing?) and living by societal values instead of my own.
Praise, social rewards, positive feedback are JUDGMENTS. No way around it. Instead of “this works well, that doesn’t” the world’s dichotomy becomes “good behavior and bad behavior.”
Sometimes people even react poorly to positive reinforcement. Why? Alfie Kohn again –
“[The key factor] in a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment.”
So, what is the end result of the praise factor?
“The concept of “social proof” (or informational social influence, if you’re a sadist for typing) tells us that, often subconsciously, individuals will look to the other people around them in ambiguous social situations to determine the appropriate way to behave. It’s a result of the subconscious mind assuming that those around us are better informed on what is acceptable and appropriate.” Joel Falconer, Stepcase Lifehack
A film director, I can’t remember who other than that he was one considered an auteur, said that in order to succeed you had to be able to trust your own judgment in order to succeed. It is easy, especially at a impressionable time of life (at any age) to become dependent on praise to guide decisions.
Rudyard Kipling said it better than I ever could -
“If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise.”
My kids said it even better. I wish I had listened more -
“You’re not the boss of me.”
So, what do you do if praise doesn’t work?
Tomorrow.
Mike
Love to hear what you think.
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Great post.
I often feel similarly about the negative effect of praise (when it's unwarranted). The most classic example, for me, used to happen all the time when I played soccer as a kid. I was ridiculously competitive and always expected great things out of myself. I was very aware when I played well and when I made mistakes. As most parents would do, my parents would always tell me "good job, you played well" after the match. Sometimes though, I DIDN'T play well and I knew it. Their praise agitated me and I would say grumpily, "no I didn't, I need to improve my skills in [fill in the blank]" I know they were just trying to be supportive.
The key is being able to distinguish between deserved praise and undeserved praise… because you are right, people will give praise whether it's deserved or not.
Thanks – great post. I'm struggling with praise myself – being encouraged to praise 'good behaviour' from a staff member (which is just part of doing their job) in order to counteract the fact that there is a lot of 'bad behaviour' from that person (.i.e. failure to do their job). Praise isn't working so well for me. Looking forward to tomorrow's post.
While the humor of a posting on praise is met with a comment whose first line is … wait for it … praise, I do agree with the poster as well as the commenter.
Both praise and admonishment are to be tempered with perception. However, I feel the greater burden rests with the person giving the praise/admonishment. As part of the developmental process we [humans] need feedback in order to grow but before you do you need to think about what you really want to communicate and leave little room for interpretation. Too often praise is vague and that's what ultimately leads to negative interpretation and response.
A reasonable rule to follow is, "if you don't mean it, don't say it and if you say it, say what you mean not what you think they want to hear."
Overindulgence is never a good thing. But denying praise is also not good. I was a child raised in a household where feeling proud was discouraged. Pride was considered a sin, and therefore praise of a child was not allowed. Yes it taught me to count on myself, pay attention to my own judgment. It also created doubt that those who were supposed to have my back, who were supposed to love me and think I was awesome, did. I think life requires balance. You have to know when to say something and know when to shut up. You also have to love unconditionally at least once.
Praise, as you write, is often not a praise but a trade-off or a judgement. Yet in non-violent communication, there's actually a way to avoid this and come to sincere praise. Generally a compliment consists of three basic elements: 1. you describe what the other person has done, 2. you describe how you feel, 3. describe the need that was fulfilled. For example: I could just say you've written a great post, but that's not really a valuable compliment, is it?
What if, instead I tell you that I like it that you've came up with several real life stories about praise and how they offer different angles on praise and that that makes me happy and curious. Your post made me see how other people think about praise and at the same time it also offered a great challenge for my own ideas on what valuable praise is and it gave me an opportunity to share my thoughts on praise and add another perspective to your story. So thank you for challenging my ideas and allowing me to contribute to your story.
That's a different story. Now I'm a bit prozaic here. There are people who can condense their compliments and still point out all three aspects. What's nice about this approach is that it really makes you think about the reason why you want to give somebody a compliment. It turns the focus back inwards instead of outwards, it forces you to observe more closely what's out there and reflect more deeply on how you feel and how these feelings tell you something about what you really need and how that need was fulfilled. That's powerful gratitude I guess.
You make really good points, but I'd like to consider something. What if, as children from infancy on, we were never given praise, either for physical accomplishments as we do when a child learns to sit up, learns to walk, produces sound, but rather was greeted with indifference? How would we as a whole be impacted? Teaching a child to trust their own instincts is not mutually exclusive from praise. Teaching them to expect praise to believe they have value, is another thing altogether.
I'm glad I happened on this post. Fantastic. I love a good thoughtful perspective. Conversation that gives one pause is valuable to me.
Your comment is concise and explains where you are coming from and it adds to my thinking on this subject. When you say, \\"you have to love unconditionally\\" it points directly to a flaw in the praise culture. Praise makes life a set of transactions (even though we usually don\\'t know it) and it is conditional. See some of the other comments (and my next post). The key to all this is acknowledgement and encouragement, with the basic assumption that people are creative, resourceful, whole, and self-determined.
Thank you.
Your comment is concise and explains where you are coming from and it adds to my thinking on this subject. When you say, \\"you have to love unconditionally\\" it points directly to a flaw in the praise culture. Praise makes life a set of transactions (even though we usually don\\'t know it) and it is conditional. See some of the other comments (and my next post). The key to all this is acknowledgement and encouragement, with the basic assumption that people are creative, resourceful, whole, and self-determined.
Thank you.
Yup, you are describing the way to encourage without transaction, and to acknowledge excellence from your own point of view. It takes out the good/bad, praise/blame dichotomies.
Hi Mike, it might be interesting to look at praise as a gift. If you give a gift, do you expect something in return, do you use it as a currency to buy attention, approval? Or do you give a gift to pass it on and do you consider ownership to be the antidote of value? Are we talking about habits or rituals, or are we talking about occasional gifts?
It's interesting to see that in several tribal cultures the notion of ownership does not go along with the notion of gifts. Gifts 'die' when people claim ownership over them or when people use them as a currency for transaction. In these tribes, added value comes from the habbit of passing the gift along, not really from owning the gift. It's not the goods that are valued in an exchange, it's the act of exchanging which is considered the most valuable. It adds value to the artefact and to the lives of all men involved.
Now what's praise? Have you ever known praise to be a gift like that? Do you think it exists?
Yes, praise is a judgement, but that's not so bad if you're on the receiving end. It's also a great way to encourage people and a word of praise at the right time can make people feel like they have won the lottery. I wouldn't write praise off just yet, but just in case, I won't say what an interesting, thought provoking post this was
Hmmm, if you can’t say it’s great, then I am shooting myself in the foot a bit with that one. Oh, well, must stick to my premise for now.
Thank you for the thought provoking comment!
Hey, found you from Darren’s 31 Day program. As the parent of five kids who were all involved in music programs of one sort or another, and as a musician myself, I cringe whenever parents jump up and give a standing ovation after every piece the band or orchestra plays, or the chorus sings. Once in a while, they MAY give an ovation-worthy performance. But if you jump and scream and yell “Bravo” every time they play “Mary Had a Little Lamb” out of tune and out of rhythm, what are they learning? I believe in praise — sparingly and appropriately. I don’t believe in praise just because they showed up.
I look at it a little differently. Research I have looked at (related to both workplace and education) most often show that the results of praise are either negative or break even. What seems to work is acknowledgement and encouragement. It is lot more work to notice and be able to describe what someone is doing. It is pretty easy (and unfortunately ineffective) to tell someone “Good job.”
Thanks for your comment. That post seemed to raise a lot of ruckus at the time.
Mike
What is a future expat? Is that in “going to leave the country”?